1.Don’t have s*x with her.
A man takes his wife to the doctor.The doctor says “Well, its either aids or alzheimers.” “What do you mean?” the guy says, “You can’t tell the difference?” “Well, the two look a lot alike in the early stages.”said the doctor, “Tell you what, drive her way out into the country.Once your there kick her out of the car.If she finds her way back, don’t have sex with her.”
2.A Husband Use D*ldo
There was an impotent guy who asked his wife to always have sex with
lights off because he was wearing a strap-on and didn’t want her to know
about his problem. After years, one night she dared to turn on the light
to see what’s his big secret. Seeing the dildo hung on her husband’s hips
she got angry: “I guess it will be quite difficult for you to explain
this!” “Way less difficult than you explaining the kids to me”
3.Deaf S*x
A deaf couple got married and on their wedding night, before going
to bed, they decided to come up with a way to communicate in the
dark.The wife said, if you want to have s8x squeeze my left breast
once and if you don’t, squeeze my right breast once.The husband
thought this was reasonable and said, ok if you want to have s*x pull my
p*nis once, if you don’t, pull it 300 times.
4.pull My D*ick
My wife and I have a system in check for when we go to bed… I told her if you wanna have sex pull on my penis once.If you don’t wanna have sex,
pull on my penis 100 times
5.Fifty years of bad sex.
An old couple is sitting on the porch…Suddenly the wife stands up and knocks her husband off his seat. The old man gets up and asks, “What was that for?!”She replies, “Fifty years of bad sex.”Her husband nods, sits back down, and they continue sitting there for a while.All of the sudden the man stands up and slaps the shit out of his wife.Stunned she asks, “Why did you do that?!””That’s for knowing the difference.”
6.S*xual Protocol
A husband discusses sexual protocol with his new wife “Honey” he says, when I want sex, I’ll snuggle up to you and kiss your neck. If you’re in the mood, turn around, grab my penis and pull on it twice. If you’re not in the mood, turn around and pull on it a hundred times.
7.General Custer’s Wife
So General Custer’s wife goes to an artist and asks the man to draw her husband’s finally words.A few days later, she returns to the artist. The painting he’s made consists of several piles of manure that have halos, and a group of Native Americans that appear to be having sex.Irate, she yells at the artist. “I asked you to paint my husband’s final words!” “Ma’am,” the artist says, “General Custer’s final words were ‘Holy shit, look at all those fucking Indians!'”
8.Wife in crotchless panties
A wife wants to spice up her sex life…So she goes decides to try crotchless panties. Her husband gets home from work and she’s on the couch waiting for him. He walks by, looks at her,then goes in the kitchen and gets a beer.He comes back and sits down like nothing happened.Finally, the frustrated wife yells”Don’t you want some of this?”And he says “Fuck no, look what it did to your underwear.”
9.Wife want “Deeper… deeper…
A man was having s*x with his wife one night… “Deeper… deeper…”
she moaned. The man, not having finished, pulls out and starts
getting dressed. The woman is surprised and asks”What’s wrong baby?”
The man snaps back, “Deeper, deeper?!How about I coo in your ear
tighter, tighter!
10.My wife won’t have s3x with me
A stuttering man goes into his doctor’s office…and the doctor says “in order to cure your stuttering problem, we need to dock an inch or two off your dick”. the stuttering man goes “f-f-f-fine, d-d-d-do it”. A few days later the man comes back to the doctor’s office says “I don’t stutter anymore, but
my wife won’t have s3x with me, can I have my inches back?” To which the
doctor replies “f-f-f-f*ck you.”
11.S*x In Hunger
A poor couple try their best to make ends meet. Times were hard, and there were days when the couple couldn’t afford to eat. To curb their hunger, the
couple would have s*x.One evening,the husband comes home from work
and finds his wife humping the arm rest of the couch. Perplexed, the husband asks what she was doing. The wife responds, “nothing, just heating up your dinner.”
12.Daddy, what’s s*x?
A man was in his backyard when his 8 year old daughter comes out and and asks him, “Daddy, what’s s*x?”The man things for a minute and tell
himself if she’s old enough to ask, she’s old enough to know, so he goes
on and tells his daughter all about the birds and the bees. Once he was
done, his daughter was sitting there, wide eyed, while his wife yells from
inside, “Honey, did you tell dad dinner will be ready in a couple of secs yet?”
13.S*x With Goat
A man enters into his bedroom with a goat in his hands. His wife is reading a book when the man suddenly says: ‘See, this is the cow I am having s*x with when you have a headache.’Wife puts the book down and says:’
Are you stupid? That is a goat,not a cow.’ ‘I’ve been talking to the goat’
14.Fingers inside her v*gina
A man started reading an incredible book a few days before his wedding so instead of having sx, he was intent on reading. Understandably unhappy, his new wife decided that she would go to sleep with the expectation of having sx in the morning. After drifting off to sleep, the wife was awoken by her husband’s fingers inside her v*gina. “Oh darling. So you do want to take me tonight!” she exclaimed. He replied, “Woah, steady on. I’m just wetting my
fingers to turn the page.”
15.Washing Machine As S*x
The couples had a code word “Washing machine” as signal for s8x As the
couple had two children who couldn’t be judged whether they’re sleeping or
not. One day, the husband became horny at night, so he signalled “Washing machine”.But his wife was in head ache..So, she told she couldn’t. After some time, feeling pity for her husband the wife signalled “Washing machine”. The husband replied “I have washed it with my hands”
